When Senator Obama finally resigned himself to me being the only person of any significance in the whole of the country willing to join him on the ticket and called me to offer me the job, I eagerly accepted. And you know what? I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but I actually heard him sobbing softly on the other end of the phone. Poor guy must have been overcome with joy.
Anyway, the next thing I know, the news media is out in the front yard trampling all over my daisies and soon after, the Secret Service shows up to "protect" me. Heh! Pretty exciting Friday night around the old homestead, let me tell you!
Before I know it, I'm on a chartered plane, being flown off to Springfield, IL for the big announcement, campaign-approved speech in hand. While in route, I even took the time to compose a little something of my own for the occasion. For some silly reason though, they didn't want me to use it, so I thought I'd take this opportunity to share it with all of you:
I am certain that my fellow Americans expect that on my induction into the Vice-Presidency I will address them with a candor and a decision which the present situation of our people impel. This is preeminently the time to speak the truth, the whole truth, frankly and boldly. Nor need we shrink from honestly facing conditions in our country today. This great Nation will endure as it has endured, will revive and will prosper. So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance. In every dark hour of our national life a leadership of frankness and vigor has met with that understanding and support of the people themselves which is essential to victory. I am convinced that you will again give that support to leadership in these critical days.
Brilliant, don't you think? Easily among my finest compositions. Now why don't you suppose they'd let me use that? Must've thought I'd outshine the Messiah, I guess. Go figure.
After we had made our joint appearance in Springfield on Saturday, I decided I'd like to stop and talk with some of the locals and maybe pick-up a Power Bar and some Evian. I really needed a little pick-me-up as I hadn't gotten a lot of sleep the night before, as you can well imagine. Anyway, we went into something called the Kwik-E-Mart where this marvelous little Indian fellow ("dot", not "feather") called Apu was working behind the counter. I started making small-talk with him about how you needed to have an Indian accent to walk into a 7/11 or Dunkin' Donuts nowadays and the little bugger told me to get out of his store! Must be a Jindal fan or something.
Really, though, I can't imagine a better pick for Vice-President than myself. Combined with the Messiah, we are easily the most left-wing ticket ever assembled! I mean, just look at last year's rankings from the non-partisan National Journal.
Hell, the two of us both out-flanked that self-described Socialist from Vermont, Bernie Sanders! Eat our Leftist dust, Bernie! Ha-ha!
Anyway, I was thinking maybe me and the Mrs. should invite the Obamas over for a little get to know you barbecue the weekend after the convention. Maybe I can pick up some ice cold Colt 45, a little fried chicken and some nice juicy watermelon. Do you think they'd like that?