The Proper Care and Feeding of Moonbats

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It has come to our attention here at America is an Obamanation that many people foolishly plan to purchase moonbats as pets for themselves or their children during this holiday season. While the appeal of keeping these hideously ugly, ill-tempered, high-pitched screeching wonders of nature as housepets truly eludes us, we hope to perform a public service by presenting these helpful tips for caring for your new pet, courtesy of the world's foremost moonbat expert, Dr. Wayne Bruce:


The Responsible Pet Owner

The first, most important thing for all responsible moonbat owners to do is to have their pets spayed or neutered immediately to help control the moonbat population. This is especially important during election cycles, as they tend to go into heat at such times. Attempts to increase their numbers can be loud, obnoxious and quite dangerous to civilized societies. Remember, the world has more than enough moonbats already, so be responsible and help us to keep their numbers in check.

A Brief History of the Moonbat in the Wild

The common moonbat, or vespertilio lunaris, was first catalogued as a species during the 1960s, when it was found primarily in large, colorful, and quite smelly colonies on or near college campuses across the United States. Sometimes referred to as "Hippies", they also frequently migrated in large numbers to various fields and stadiums, usually drawn by the lure of psychedelic rock music or very bad folk singing and the smell of burning rope. Though their numbers have dwindled somewhat since then, they are, unfortunately for society, not yet ready for the endangered species list. Over the years, they have shifted from nesting inside college dorms to faculty lounges and the studios of many mass media outlets with alarming ease. Many have even found their way into government offices, where they can be especially dangerous and hard to get rid of! Attempts to control the moonbat population have met with only moderate success, but many moonbats will surprisingly enough, with time, evolve into something resembling a human being. Unfortunately, though, many do not manage this metamorphosis, and these are what we sometimes call "Deaniacs", "KOSsacks", "DUmmies", or more simply, "Fruitcakes".

The Moonbat as a Housepet

While keeping moonbats as pets is never recommended due to their volatile tempers and generally sociopathic behavior, some people have found them so fascinating as to want to while away the hours watching their wild, unpredictably goofy antics up close. Since we can not prevent people from making the terrible mistake of bringing a moonbat into the home, and since some human children occasionally devolve into moonbats while away at college after being bitten by a particularly rabid one, we offer this guide as a public service to help you in dealing properly with your new pet.

Housing Your Moonbat

Being cold-blooded and not very bright by nature, the captive moonbat will typically prefer to dwell somewhere dark, cool and damp, such as a dimly lit basement or attic, a filthy bedroom, or a room above the family garage. The faint odor of incense or scented candles is often detectable near a moonbat's nest, and they will usually horde such things. It is highly recommended that a responsible owner encourage the regular use of such objects to drown out the stench usually associated with the creatures, whose hygiene habits can best be described as deplorable!

Provide your moonbat with plenty of aluminum foil with which to line his nest and encase his cranium, as this will ease his irrational fear of Karl Rove's "mind-ray". He may occasionally playfully attempt to wrap the heads of other family members in tinfoil as well. This behavior, though seemingly odd, is quite harmless and a sign of great affection, so play along once in awhile to make your moonbat feel loved and accepted.

Your moonbat will need access to the Internet so he can vent his pent-up anger and feed his insatiable need for outrageous conspiracy theories and anti-Bush rhetoric, so be certain to provide him with a computer and a modem connection. He will happily spend hour after hour at such mind-boggling, psychotic websites as Democratic Underground, Daily Kos, The Huffington Post, Indymedia, MoveOn.org, Eschaton, Oliver Willis and Pandagon, blaming President Bush for everything from tsunamis to global warming on Mars. It is this very behavior that makes moonbats so entertaining and has caused such an explosion in their popularity as housepets --- but be warned, if left unchecked, your moonbat can easily become "net addicted" and spend every waking moment on the computer, trolling Republican-friendly websites and calling everyone he finds a Nazi. Some have even taken to hacking websites of people they don't find agreeable and calling milbloggers baby-killers. If your moonbat begins to demonstrate this sort of ultra-aggressive behavior, his computer privileges must be revoked and, as difficult as it may be, it would probably be best for everybody if he were humanely put down.

Moonbat Diets

Many moonbats are herbivores, reacting angrily at the sight of meat, fish or dairy products. They can exist happily on granola, fresh fruits and vegetables, twigs, tofu, diet soda, Evian and yogurt. For other moonbats, you may need to provide an extensive array of snack foods such as Hostess snack cakes or anything ending in -itos! They also frequently enjoy Triple Mocha Latte Cappuccinos from Starbucks, but these can be rather expensive. Often, moonbats also liberally use tobacco products and may smoke funny little herbs that resemble oregano. It is recommended, however, that you discourage this last behavior, as it leads to binge snacking and nonsensical babbling --- that is to say, more than usual. Many also crave copious amounts of alcohol, but this is also considered dangerous and should not be permitted.

The most important staple of any moonbat's diet, though, is Kool-Aid --- and lots of it! Lacking self-control, they will usually drink all the Kool-Aid they can find, so it is wise to ration it to keep them from overdosing. A pitcher or two a day should suffice, and alternating flavors for the sake of variety is always a nice gesture.

Mating Rituals

The unfixed moonbat will typically try to reproduce when in heat, mostly during election cycles, and often by attempting to bite, and thereby infect, healthy human beings. They may also attempt to obtain a member of the opposite sex for brainwashing and/or breeding purposes, often bathing themselves liberally in Patchouli oil in a misguided attempt to attract a mate. They are rarely successful at the second method, thankfully, as they usually refuse to bathe, brush their teeth, shave any part of their anatomy, or get a haircut. The bite of a rabid moonbat in heat, while rarely fatal, can manage to infect the weak-minded and it is for this reason that we ask you to be responsible and spay or neuter your moonbat immediately!

The mating call of the lovesick moonbat is easily recognizable, as it is typically characterized by such phrases as, "No blood for oil"; "Bush lied, kids died"; "We support our troops... when they shoot their officers"; "Selected not elected"; "Bush is a Nazi"; and "Make love, not war". They will sometimes paint these phrases, rife with misspellings and images of swastikas and President Bush with a little black Hitler mustache, on cardboard signs and gather together to wave them and chant at passers-by and the occasional TV camera. They are best ignored at such times, as attention will only encourage the behavior.

Health and Well-Being

It is important to remember never to taunt or tease your moonbat. If he prefers to dwell in a parallel universe where Al Gore or John Kerry is President and/or all Republicans have been removed from office in a mass impeachment, it is best not to remind him of reality with harsh statements of fact such as, "Get over it, Bush won!" Such statements have been known to cause moonbats to attack viciously. Facts and logic are particularly harmful to moonbats, and must be avoided when interacting with your pet.

The cardinal rule with moonbats is that one must never, ever encourage them to vote or to seek to dwell in a government building, as this would be dangerous to the continued well-being of society! Too many moonbats are already loose in American government at all levels, and it will already take us years to fumigate them all!

Thank you and enjoy your new pet!

Dr. Wayne Bruce, DVM
Chief Moonbatologist
American Veterinary Center for the Study of Common Household Pests and Other Useless Vermin

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Originally posted at The Right Place on January 1, 2006.