Monday, June 29, 2009


by Erik Nolt, Jr.


This story is largely concerned with habits... bad voting habits... and from its paragraphs a reader may (with any luck) discover much of their own character and a little of their own history.

CHAPTER I: A Long, Expensive Party

Long ago, in the eastern region of Morpork, there dwelt in the fiery depths of Mount Dumb in the heart of the ancient city of Wasting-Tons, a great and powerful evil necromancer known as Lord Soros. It was here within his evil volcano lair that he set about a plot to take over all of the once proud land of Belittled Worth.

Map of Belittled Worth [Click on map for a closer look]

To accomplish this end, he needed an army --- An army of mindless dolts who would bend easily to his will and would not be tempted by conscience to stray from his mission of darkness. And so it was that he constructed his own soldiers by fusing the DNA of several lowly creatures, each selectively bred for the worst of their traits.

The Eye of Soros

He began, appropriately enough, with demons, selected for their lack of morals and pure wickedness, as well as their slyness and ability to easily possess the souls of mortal men and to tempt them into evil deeds with their glib tongues.

Next, he selected the orcs, twisted, ugly and fierce warriors capable of great cruelty.

Then, common sewer rats, cunning and sneaky and adept at spreading pestilence and disease, and laying waste to whole cities.

Finally, he threw in the essence of ticks, parasitic blood-sucking insects, as a final touch.

To celebrate the birth of this new lifeform, the evil Lord Soros threw a party in their honor, a party so infamous for its immense cost, sheer excess and unbridled debauchery, the mere mention of it will forever fill good men with the urge to vomit... and so it was that the Demon-Orc-Rat-Tick Party was born... and continues to this very day... and all of us have been stuck with the bill!

Blarney Fink (D - Massahugedebts)

Over the years, even as the endless celebration of all things wicked and depraved continued unabated, some folks shortened the name of this nightmarish cauldron of malevolence to the "Democrat" Party. Many of its witless worshipers, however, insisted on the more formal "Democratic" Party, arguing that the former ignored the blood-sucking parasite portion of their ancestry, something of which they were, surprisingly enough, quite proud. To this day, there are those that continue to try, stubbornly, to drop that pesky last syllable in spite of the protests, but find, much to their chagrin, that you can never quite manage to get the "ic" out of the Democratic Party.

To be continued...

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