Family Values, OBAMA STYLE.

I have officially done the impossible: I have made Andrew Sullivan a heterosexual.

Yes, with my speech, which I wrote because I went to college which makes me so very smart you underestimating, ignorant crackers, I have utterly guaranteed my husband the White House this November.

Indeed, nothing suckers, uh, wins over the American people more than seeing a strong, independent woman declaring herself alongside her spawn, er, I mean daughters.

Oh, how I love Malia Ann. She just turned ten last month, her 43rd trimester, and Sasha is in her 31st. I believe I will keep them.

You see, America, we are just like you people, only we don't have guns, and our religion isn't exactly "legitimate". But rest assured, we are not the radicals you think we are. We are the way a family should be.

I know FOX News has nothing nice to say about us, but we won't let that stop us! We will win, and no woman will stop my attempt to overtake this racist, stupid country which hates my husband but will elect him anyway!!! Peace out, y'all! SOUTH SIDE, REPRESENT!!!

Bum-Pats for Change!

Now, as Chase Michaels noted, Barack and I fisted to celebrate his victory over the Evil One, er, I mean, Sen. Clinton. What he neglected to note, however, was the little love tap with which my hubby graced my derrière.

Now, some will say that this is a gratuitous display of private affection wholly inappropriate for public consumption. Those people are stupid and racist. How dare you mere mortals question my husband's actions?! The sheer... audacity of you!

It's not like Democratic couples haven't been overly personal in public before:Of course, as we all know, attacking Bill Clinton's less-than-stellar physique is fair game, but look at this:See?! You simply can not compete with that level of sexiness. To not want to commit adultery with my Barack is the equivalent of burning a cross. In fact, why don't you just lay off my husband entirely? It's not like he's a public figure and thus subject to scrutiny, or anything.

And just you remember, whenever people criticise our fist-bumpin', butt-tappin' ways, it is conservatives and only conservatives who will be playing the race card in this election.

I hate my country and all of the ignorant people who live there who don't vote for my husband.

'Sup? I'm Michelle Obama.

America needs CHANGE. Unfortunately stupid people, probably people just like you, are against that CHANGE.

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you morons? Can't you see that my husband is the best thing to happen to this country in the last... Wait, when did I turn 18? Let's see... 26 years?!

Seriously, any wuss could defeat the world's second largest super-power; my husband could have done that himself in half as long! And he would liberate the Auschwitz concentration camp at Yalta in the same day. That's leadership.

So, y'all damn well better vote for my bitch- uh, husband, Buh-ROCK, or else y'all hate black people.

RACISTS!